I haven’t posted anything in a few weeks. We’ve been traveling for the girls’ sports, and my youngest battled a horrible flu for several days and was clingy/needy which made it difficult to write. But those are excuses and if I’m honest I’ve been in a bit of a funk. It happens every winter. I think if I saw a doctor or a therapist they would say that I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder). I’ve had the same symptoms every winter for years. In the past several years it’s gotten worse. Almost ruining your entire marriage a week before Christmas does that. And while the memories fade, they don’t go away. And so every year I struggle from mid December until mid March. I should have known that this year it might not be different. And by starting a new blog it might even be more difficult.
I knew when I started this blog that the enemy would hit hard. I am sharing things in my life that I’ve kept hidden and buried for years. And I’ve only just begun. I have much more to share. Hard things. Vulnerable things. Things that have hurt me and things that have hurt the people I love. The enemy constantly tells me that people don’t want to know about or read what I want to share. (Of course “he” does, because if my story helps even one person “he” will have lost. Again.)
When the views and visits to my blog plummeted last month I was convinced the enemy was right. When it took even my closest friends weeks to notice I hadn’t posted anything, I was sure of it. But then they did notice, they reached out, and they asked me to keep going. Asked me to keep sharing. And I remembered my own words, (I hate it when my own words come back to me) “I’m not sure who God wants me to reach with this blog, but if it is one person or one million people, I am going to do it because He wants me to.”
And I remembered how I chose the word “AMPLIFY” at the beginning of the year (read about it here) and how I vowed to amplify God this year and not let it fizzle. Even when it’s hard. Even when it requires me being vulnerable. Even when it is difficult and when it hurts.
So I woke up this morning, re-wrote the word “amplify” on my arm and started to look for God in everything, and look for ways to turn up the volume on Him in my life.“O magnify the Lord with me, And let us lift up His name together.” ~Psalm 34:3
In my house – thank You Lord for my home, for the people who live here and for all the blessings we have in our life. Him. Amplified. At the gym – thank You Lord for giving me a body that can mostly do what I want it to do. I don’t always take care of it like I should, or treat it like the gift that it is, but thank You. Amplify Him. At the grocery store – thank You Lord that I live in a place where I have choices, a beautiful rainbow of amazing tasty choices. Him. Amplified. In the car – thank You Lord, that I can get from place to place in a car that I own, that I can listen to music that magnifies Your name. I can play it loud and sing it louder until the lyrics become part of my thoughts, my words, my prayers. Unmastered. Amplified.
So I will remind myself (again) that life is messy. Life is sometimes difficult. Life this side of heaven is never perfect. But life is best unmastered. When it is disheveled I can come before Him open. I can admit that I need Him. Daily. Hourly. Minutely. Every second. Amplified.